...change...

Ok, until lately I really would have told you I am a laid back person.  In fact, I think almost everyone in my life would tell you that.  I would say I struggle with many things (many, many things!) but that CONTROL wasn't one of them.  And I would say I do pretty good with change.

Boy is that wrong!!

The control part in me is definitely there.  Its just subtle... subtle that is UNTIL things are changing without my permission!!  Changing without giving me any options.  Changing without me CONTROLLING the change.  Yep, there it is.  Then my CONTROL rears its ugly head and I go crazy!!

Its funny how we all have different ways to cope with stress.  I find again that I have been fooling myself.  I would have told you I like to take things head on, tackle things, be brave, take risks.  But I'm realizing my track record tells a different story.  I have always said (way too many times) to God:  "I'll do whatever you ask!"  And I thought I meant it....

But as I am now being asked to walk the talk - guess what I'm doing???

Avoiding.  Stressing.  Worrying.  Trying to control.

There it is.  Ug.  All the things I think I've even prided myself in not doing.  (Does pride really go before a fall?) 

But here is the good news...  because I really would rather be living in REALITY... so the good news is:  I can't do it on my own. 

I tell myself I would rather do it on my own.  Right now, its more comfortable for me to be in control.  But its not really how I want to be.  Self-sufficient seems safe.  But its not.

Even in just writing this blog, I am admitting I don't know myself that well, I act out differently than I think I would, I have even more faults than I thought I did....  So wouldn't I much rather let Someone else be in charge?  Someone who made me, who knows me.  Who has known me all along, and who knows me now, and who knows me in 10 years??  Who also, for the record, knows everything!!!!

Ok, once again I'm back to being thankful.  Thankful for the challenge, because the challenge has knocked me back into reality.  And I want reality.  I want to live my life to the fullest!!  I want to live as I was designed, being dependant on the Lord.  I want my reality to be to automatically TRUST God as my friend and provider.  And I don't want to be "safe" or "in control" on my own....  what fun is that???!!

So I go forward today....  forward to make some tough phone calls instead of putting them off until another tomorrow.  To tackle my house that is overwhelming right now, instead of waiting until next week.  To make some decisions and have some discussions that I have been avoiding.

But first, I'm off to spend some time with my Friend who knows me!!!!!!